Reptilian Brain
We don’t operate at our best under conflict due to the kick in of “fight, flight or freeze” response. When this occurs, understand it is happening, and see if it’s possible to take over the take over of your rational brain by the reptilian brain. Visualize it happening, and refuse the negative energy – after all you are not literally being chased by a wild animal and need to save your life. You Are a rational human being able to analyze and discern between do or die situation, and simple issues that need ironing out.
Not Out to get You
When already worked up, it is easy to slip into a pessimistic mindset where we assume people are intentionally out to hurt us or screw us over in order to benefit themselves. This is a self preservation mechanism that narrows our view of the other person far more than necessary, therefore, under such a circumstance, keep the underlying basic assumption that they are actually working in good faith. It is not naive, rather it may help redirect your compass and soften what would other wise be a misplaced tone, or a good point made at a bad time. If this happens, the other person has already tuned out before you could sarcastically say “oh really?”.
You Two vs The Problem
Not you two vs one another. If conversations are already heated, the easiest thing to do is stop listening and lay blame, get defensive or continue to escalate the situation. If at any point you are able, try to “step away from the freight train”, as my old boss would like to say. Realize that you are in it together – to solve a dilemma or issue and it doesn’t help in any way to make it a personal matter in which you take a stance against the person with whom you have the issue. Maybe don’t send that text right away if you’re apart, or text it to yourself, then decide the next morning if it is still sounding appropriate.
Body Language
Speaks volumes and is arguably more important than what you say. This one is probably one that everyone has heard before, but most of the time it’s How you are saying something that is key, rather than What specifically you are saying. Infact if arms are crossed, a defensive tone has been taken or a dirty look has been noticed, chances are the other person is looking to either consciously get back at you or self preserve themselves by unconsciously not paying an ounce of attention to what you are saying. Make sure you save your good points for a calm conversation, otherwise it may get lost in the abyss of the quarrel and never fully be understood in the other persons mind.
Repeat Yourself, non Sarcastically
Instead of you saying the same thing in different (or exactly the same way), repeat what the other person has said so that you can be clear of the message being presented to you. It’s tough not to do this sarcastically if you’re anything like me, but summarizing or focusing on what the other person is trying to relay, will at the very least garner more time for you to process the conversation as well cool your jets for what you have to say next.
Reflection, But Not Obsession
This could also have been titled “put yourself in someone else’s shoes”, because it simply means to really grasp or try to understand how the other person is feeling. Sometimes it’s not about a logical solution and the other person is just feeling quarrelsome because they are not feeling heard or appreciated. Nobody will care to get to an agreement or resolution if their issue is an emotional one, that has little correlation to what argument they are choosing to use for the fight. Think of it like a little cry for help. Don’t belittle the person by making them feel small, but understand that maybe the argument is actually already null and void. Think about it, but don’t let it fester in your mind over and over until you become obsessed with what they said or come back to it over and over. Reflect on that specific moment and see if it can be fixed by just letting them know they are being heard.
Give Love
Sounds simple but is very hard to do mid quarrel. It’s an extension of the above point to where half the arguments can generally be solved by a hug, or asking nicely if the other person just needs some love with a smile, and maybe a snack if there is one nearby. This one would apply for couples more, but can greatly work with friends and co workers who just happen to be having a bad day, and have decided to take it out on you. Make them feel bad about it by responding kindly.
Take the Heat
Hopefully it’s not a red hot inferno, but what is worse than being in an active disagreement? It’s being fake (hard to ever resolve anything), being passive aggressive (makes people auto dislike you), being polite but harbouring resentment (leads to unexpected blow ups later), or going into shut down mode (danger zone for people who are trying to maintain relations on an ongoing basis).
Work Out
Just put the convo on ice until you have put in a good workout and gotten some endorphins flowing. If you know It is a sticky point, or will need to be creative in how you address the situation, just allow yourself and maybe the other person to work off some frustration that has been pent up. It’s amazing how often the arguments are not even directly related to a specific topic and are simply a result of you running on hot for too long. It would be another post all together if we were to sit here and run through the list of just how much exercise improves mood, prevents mental health issues, reduces the aging process and keeps that evil monster “stress” at bay.
Get to the Bottom of it
Similar to the repetition phase, but different since you aren’t repeating anything. Rather asking open ended questions out of curiosity. So getting specific may help you better understand what the situation is, rather than going off on your own perception. Half the time you may infact be saying the same thing, or you could stumble upon a resolution you both can live with.
Or Not
Sometimes there is no resolution and you will both (or the group) have to settle on the fact that there is a variance in opinion that is unlikely to change. Or if it can change it has to be done in a different way. Here we can say it’s like saying “pick your battles”. An oldie but a goodie. If you just can’t resolve in the near future, decide If it is important enough to revisit. If it won’t affect you In 5 years it’s usually not useful to beat a dead dog with a broken stick. This last point is full of cliches but they are cliches for a reason. And sometimes all you have to do is breathe, forget about it, and just… that’s right… let it go!