What can you say when you’re mad and not thinking clearly? Below are some examples, similar to my post on downgrading conflict here, but different in that you will find direct lines to implement. The later is more of a psychological hacks post.


I like to glace over it if I see discussions are getting a little heated, and guage if there is anything I can say to difuse the situation as opposed to escalate it. Makes me feel in control. Its not good to be an atom bomb. Some of the comments below are probably not the best things to say and likely wouldn’t be approved by a psychologist, but are snarky enough to give me satisfaction while not making things worse. Usually half comedic in some way.


If you find yourself in a pickle and know you have to deal with spouses or roommates later, since you’re now in a 24/7 lockdown with them, it may be best to get some ideas on how to push the conflict out.


Personal Favourites:


1. Insinuate an insult on their behaviour, not their character. Creatively.

  • That comment is a wet balony sandwich. Distasteful.
  • That’s lipstick on a pig. You’re embellishing.
  • That was crass of you. Or elegant/hurtful/belittling.
  • Some people aren’t healthy until they’re offended or complaining.
  • That’s your perception.
  • What others think of me is none of my business.
  • That’s an interesting way to look at it.

2. Do Not Engage (but don’t be passive aggressive)

  • Just laugh. A giggle may lighten the mood. An exaggerated belly bursting laugh will signal your disapproval, and potentially trigger a funny comment from them like ‘are you gonna make it’, or ‘are you having a seizure, should I call an ambulance’? This will typically lighten the mood. Does in my family anyway. And no I don’t think seizures are funny, but I know a genuine laugh will typically ease tensions. Don’t take everything the other party says so seriously, as most things are not THAT big of a deal as well likely wont matter down the line. You’ll spare yourself plenty of heartache and wrinkles if you just reframe how you look at things.
  • Jokingly. ‘That’s a whole lot of unsolicited input’. * Husband tell you how to drive again? Before you make him tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle, try comedy to disarm their Sherlock Holmes-like eye for detail. Can be anything; I like to reference historical figures with not particularly flattering reputations. ‘Yes, Curly (from the 3 stooges), I will go in the other lane’. I also ask him if he has a curly mind, to understand why click here. Or ‘Certainly Ceausescu (dictator), I will do as you say’. Or turn up the music as you say, ‘this songs’ for you’, as you drown out the sound of their voice. You will have to put your own spin on it, but jokes usually work to diffuse the situation.
  • ‘My social battery has run out’. * Said with flare and a hand gesture as you dramatically exit the room. I meant the ‘be gone, you’re dismissed’ hand gesture that royalty would use, what did you think!?
  • What you tell me or say to me doesn’t necessarily make it fact
  • The grass isn’t always greener elsewhere
  • It’s us against the problem and not us against each other. A good reminder when you’re both up in arms.
  • You’re doing that thing again, why? ** Couples usually exhibit the same patterns or methods of approaching a situation. You guys already know what that ‘thing’ is, and everyone has it. If you make the other party aware of their actions, you may be able to nip it in the bud before it grows into a fight.
  • Ok no problem. ***The enunciation is key here as it drives it in 2 separate directions. If you drag out the ‘nooooo’, you’re obviously being sarcastic but will tell the other person you’ve caved, giving them enough satisfaction to go away for now. You can then later address it. But don’t just do whatever the hell you want anyway. If you’re sincere, it doesn’t mean you wholeheartedly agree, but you’ve made a compromise and accepted this one as lost. Not everything has to be a battle. Pick your battles, is an age old cliche for good reason – it works!


Sometimes you can disguise the sarcasm in how you present your tone, but this borders on passive aggressiveness and that is just awful. It only works if you need to give yourselves enough time to squash that particular session of discord and move on to other things, for now. I personally get irate with backhanded compliments, playing the victim or feigning compliance. Either mean it, or say it to defer to a later time, but not to trick the other person into thinking you agree, only to be harbouring ill will inside. Those people need the kind of professional help that I am not qualified to handle.


Preventative Action
At a time when you are not at peak argument, randomly state something you like about them, or notice in their character. Give their feelings validation or acknowledge their actions in advance, which will be recorded in their subconscious and make them less defensive. Remind them of the good things, be grateful for what they do well, or vocally remember something they said which made you happy. It’s easy to get lost in a disagreement, but if you throw in something positive here and there, it can’t possibly be met with hostility. It cannot be flattery, insincere or vague, so you think about this. ‘Hey! You’re a great dad and I see (child) loves it when you…’. ‘Hey, the dedication you’ve been putting into (whatever – ie. the gym) is paying off. Your work ethic is admirable’, ‘Your resilience in these difficult times is one thing I love most about you’. Etc

3. Maneuver around being baited into a confrontation.

  • I’m sorry you feel that way
  • Say ‘stop yourself’ to the other person (see other blog)
  • I wouldn’t prefer it (not outright saying no; giving the appearance that it’s their choice)
  • I’d prefer it if …* (another doozy with excellent results).
  • I’m sad you feel this way * (avoid saying sorry if you’re pissed)
  • It’s too bad * (Not necessarily saying you don’t give a crap about what they just said. You’re being firm in your decision without saying anything else or elaborating).
  • Its unfortunate you think this way
  • I’m not sure I agree
  • It’s a shame you see it that way
  • Actually stop yourself and say nothing for 10 seconds
  • Ignore entirely (depends how long you can let this go on for).
  • I disagree with you only because …
  • You’re entitled to ur opinion and im allowed to disagree
  • I Agree to disagree.
  • I wouldn’t want to micromanage but…
  • wish you’d see there may be a better way to do this.
  • Thats unfortunate.
  • I wont stand (or sit here) for this.
  • I don’t accept this behaviour
  • You’re likely to claim I’m rude no matter what I do.
  • I’m (still) thinking about it
  • I see it’s hard for you to see it in a different perspective.
  • no real estate space left for this in my brain
  • It comes as no surprise that there would be something to complain about
  • I see no need and have zero desire to defend, justify my stance or debate this with you.
  • Thank you

Answer with a de-escalating question

  • Can we take more time to think about it?
  • Are you sure? (good for stupid or contradictory statements)
  • Oh really? (good for irrelevant statements)
  • Is that right? (Do it with a glare and it becomes a rhetorical warning signal).
  • Is that so ? Same.
  • You feel this way because …? (Try to listen for something you’re missing.)
  • Is there a better thing we can do? (Engage their views)
  • You’re not commenting on or contradicting my child rearing practices again are you? (Saying it with a slight smirk may disarm them. Can go in the in-law section too).

Non defensive Ending statement

  • It is what it is (good for dumb why questions).
  • I said what I said.
  • I did what I did.
  • I am what I am.
  • She is what she is.
  • He feels what he feels.
  • my watch shows my time, your watch shows yours

Polite.
Maybe good for inlaws, professional settings or strangers where you have to be more tactful (Acknowledge, then state your needs). Or restate theirs and reframe statements to suit you.

  • put spouse or another heavily involved individual, on your side. KEY. Be careful not to triangulate.
  • keep cool when the other party becomes over bearing, or over – whatever you find annoying, but have to deal with on a continual basis.
  • refrain from initiating mention of them in text to others; too many things can be said when you’re bold.
  • reduce criticism/complaint about their actions or words until you’ve come up with a solution and way to approach spouse or other person.
  • I understand that you want to (do xyz), AND I would feel more comfortable if… (validate them, then state your needs. Don’t use ‘but’.)
  • I’m glad this has worked for you, but I prefer to do it this way.
  • Avoid saying a hard no
  • I see you have strong feelings about this, but I’m going to do it like so
  • I know we’re seeing two different sides of it, and I want to respect where you’re coming from. And I would like you to do the same for me.
  • I’m unsure if that’s the best idea. Let’s wait and see how it goes with xyz, and subsequently change the topic.

The Nicola Method of conflict resolution:
This I found online and is actually from a real psychologist.

When you SAID that it seems like you thought I did something wrong.

When you DID that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong

When you said that it seems like you’re saying…(insert something like I don’t trust your judgement)…then, how would you approach the situation? Hear them out, then, restate and reframe.

You don’t need a lengthy explanation either. When you over explain decisions, it “decreases our power when communicating”. If you give too many reasons, it opens up more loopholes and room to negate what you say. Stay confident and firmly state it in a kind way.